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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Sleepless Night

It is late; past midnight. I should be asleep and my body is letting me know this. My mental sharpness is weak as I am coming off the 2nd longest race weekend of my life. I woke up 18 hours ago, 300 miles away so I should be sleeping. I have to be up in six hours to get to the office, create an amazing blog entry, and then go out for a lunch and learn at a doctor's office. So why then, am I not asleep?

Trust me, it isn't by choice. I am so tired it hurts, but my mind, even though it isn't the sharpest right now, is doing a great job and stressing about the upcoming USAAA conference. If there wasn't enough pressure already, the conference is going to be broadcast on ustream (ironically enough the same website that the USAC races are broadcast on). Stay tuned for the exact address and times.

Before it was going to be a presentation in front of 600, but now it is the world! Anyone in the world with a computer and good connection can watch. Chances are if you are reading this you will be able to watch.

Driving home today I thought I had what I was going to say perfected, but not I'm not so sure. I get around five minutes. What can I say to have the biggest impact? My problem isn't that I don't know what to say, but I have SO MUCH to say. Narrowing options down has never been something I have claimed to be good at and I have never been accused of it either.

This week's blog entries will probably be all similar with me saying "I'm so nervous" or, "What am I going to say?" but give me a break as Saturday is such a big day. Everything had to happen just so for this to happen. All the years of pain and solitude I had to endure to get to this point of self-awareness and all the chances people gave me had to happen just so.

Saturday is a big deal and if I ever have a forum this big again I probably won't be nervous. I am willing to bet that as soon as the panel begins I will feel right at home, but until that point sleep won't come easy, and my blog posts will probably become somewhat repetitive, but that's where I am at right now.

I can make a point and use this pre-event anxiety as an example of just how major an event in one's life can be. What I mean by that is this stress and anxiety comes to me at any point there is something new. If I have the same routine each day nothing is new. If nothing is new then there is now anxiety because everything is known. Of course this isn't to say that going to a new place to eat creates this current level of pressure I have, but as I pointed out in my entry, http://lifeontheothersideofthewall.blogspot.com/2010/05/fear-before-storm.html the fear beforehand is often much worse than the event itself. I don't remember what is in that entry, exactly, but whatever is feared in the future is the only thing that will be thought of. Think about that for a second because that is a statement to the extreme and I stand by my wordage of "only thing".

I am at that "only thing" stage. All other activities are on auto-pilot. The only thing that is being processed is the event that is not just hour days away. Perhaps, if this panel presentation goes well, and my book becomes a major success, I will look back on these lines of entries and laugh because this very well could be the event that changes my life. I hope it does because if my life changes then that means people will hear my message, read my words, and perhaps acquire hope for the future. Pressure? What pressure? Oh, Saturday, why must you be four days away?

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